Sometimes when I look at myself I can see how thin I am. Having said that I wonder if anybody reading this will think, 'where the hell does she get the idea that she is thin?'. However, most of the time I see someone relatively slender with elephant legs and flabby arms. Even if that is true, I still don't know why it matters. My therapist thinks it is linked to something that happened in my childhood.
There is a man in my life that may have something to do with it. I really don't have any childhood memories to speak of, but about 4 years ago I started to have vague memories about this man. It was a very inappropriate situation and I could basically hear him saying, 'Das ist unser Geheimnis', which means 'this is our secret'. I tried to explore it for a while but mostly ended up in a dark place with absolutely no recollection of the past at all. It was pretty frustrating and I came to the conclusion that either there is nothing there or I am not ready to deal with it yet.
I do wonder if it is linked to my body image issues. When did the size of my legs become important? Can't remember that either. Maybe it's just a way to keep the focus off the real issue...what ever that may be. How many times have I blogged about this?
As I am chelating and getting the metals out of my body I find myself having more awareness. I am also not depressed anymore and I can think more clearly and focus. My lab results have been good in the last 2 or 3 months and I am finally feeling better. Haven't had a backache in about 2 1/2 months. It's a nice change from having one every single day. Other symptoms have gone away also like daily headaches, pain and stiffness in my left hip, PMS (2 months in a row), and more. The worst was excessive sweating and BO. It got so bad that I always had anti-perspirant with me. Several times throughout the day (at work) I would go to the bathroom, wash my underams, and re-apply anti-perspirant. Then it just stopped - SO glad it did. I am starting to feel like myself again - what a blessing!
The latest food allergy test results sucked but oh well. I guess I have to be strict a little while longer. If it were up to me I would be done with all of it NOW, but then God's timing is always best. That's a tough one for me to accept. Mostly I feel sorry for Bob. Our lives could be so much different - better - if it weren't for all my health issues. He is so patient and for the most part I don't know how he puts up with it. It produces a constant flow of guilt for me.
Looks like Mom will not be coming to visit this year. That was disappointing but she might come visit next January or February instead. Something to look forward to...
There is a man in my life that may have something to do with it. I really don't have any childhood memories to speak of, but about 4 years ago I started to have vague memories about this man. It was a very inappropriate situation and I could basically hear him saying, 'Das ist unser Geheimnis', which means 'this is our secret'. I tried to explore it for a while but mostly ended up in a dark place with absolutely no recollection of the past at all. It was pretty frustrating and I came to the conclusion that either there is nothing there or I am not ready to deal with it yet.
I do wonder if it is linked to my body image issues. When did the size of my legs become important? Can't remember that either. Maybe it's just a way to keep the focus off the real issue...what ever that may be. How many times have I blogged about this?
As I am chelating and getting the metals out of my body I find myself having more awareness. I am also not depressed anymore and I can think more clearly and focus. My lab results have been good in the last 2 or 3 months and I am finally feeling better. Haven't had a backache in about 2 1/2 months. It's a nice change from having one every single day. Other symptoms have gone away also like daily headaches, pain and stiffness in my left hip, PMS (2 months in a row), and more. The worst was excessive sweating and BO. It got so bad that I always had anti-perspirant with me. Several times throughout the day (at work) I would go to the bathroom, wash my underams, and re-apply anti-perspirant. Then it just stopped - SO glad it did. I am starting to feel like myself again - what a blessing!
The latest food allergy test results sucked but oh well. I guess I have to be strict a little while longer. If it were up to me I would be done with all of it NOW, but then God's timing is always best. That's a tough one for me to accept. Mostly I feel sorry for Bob. Our lives could be so much different - better - if it weren't for all my health issues. He is so patient and for the most part I don't know how he puts up with it. It produces a constant flow of guilt for me.
Looks like Mom will not be coming to visit this year. That was disappointing but she might come visit next January or February instead. Something to look forward to...
posted by Kristina at 10/14/2005 02:31:00 PM
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