the insanity of eating disorders

I have been roughly the same size most of my adult life. At one point, not sure exactly when or why, I started measuring my thighs. My guess is that it happened when I realized that weight doesn't mean all that much because of the difference in muscle and fat.

Shortly after Bob and I got married I remembered that my thighs measured roughly 54 cm (21.26 inches). If you are not familiar with the metric system, 1 inch = roughly 2.54 cm. This should give you an idea of the insanity I am about to talk about. I was perfectly happy with this measurement and felt great.

Anyway, shortly after we got married I also got sick – hormonal problems that lead to hysterectomy, leaky gut, food allergies, etc. As a result, I gained weight despite continued work outs and a clean diet and my thighs went all the way up to 59 cm (23.22 inches) and stayed there for over a year. How I made it through that time with only 1 relapse still amazes me. The only explanation I have is God!

When I finally found a doctor who could figure out what was wrong, and after I had the hysterectomy, I started to loose weight again. Last year in March I did a 7-day cleanse as part of a detox program and an attempt to get rid of the pesky parasite I have. Aside from feeling MUCH better afterwards, the added bonus was that my thighs were FINALLY back to 54 cm (21.26 inches). Or did I feel better BECAUSE my thighs were smaller? It’s so hard to tell…

I felt better for a while and then things went down hill again. We eventually figured out why my health kept declining (my stomach was not producing acid when I eat) and decided that I would do another cleanse to detoxify my body again and get a ‘clean’ start. This time I went on a 10-day cleanse and by the time I was done my thighs measure 53 cm (20.87 inches). I felt on top of the world. Not only did I have more energy and felt much better physically, but my clothes were hanging off of me AND the cellulite on my legs was gone. With thinness also comes an added level of self-confidence, pride, and superiority. It was awesome!

Due to proper digestion and a better functioning body I was able to maintain this size for several months. My thighs fluctuated between 53 and 53.5 cm (20.87 and 21.06 inches). In November 2004, after one of our cruises, I once again started to feel worse. My hormones were acting up, my energy was gone, and my digestion was worse. With the decline in my overall health I noticed an increase in my size – a double whammy! This time it was mercury toxicity and other stuff that I blogged about before. My doctor started me on chelation, I began to feel better, and eventually I got my thighs back down to 53.5 cm (21.06 inches).

Since then it has been an on-going battle for me to keep my thighs at this size. Ideally, I want them to be smaller again...smaller than 53 cm. I want to be skinny, I want to be able to starve myself like I used to, and I want to be rid of the cellulite on my thighs. At the same time I want it all to STOP!

During our cruise last cruise just a few weeks ago I was able to maintain my size and since last week my thighs are bigger again. If you have made it this far I am impressed. Intellectually I realize how incredibly ridiculous all this is yet I can’t seem to stop. This is where I am stuck. I don’t really binge anymore, I don’t purge, nor do I starve myself, but I can’t seem to get past this thigh issue. I wore shorts during our cruise in St. Thomas and hated every second of it. Going to the pool or beach in a bathing suit was sheer torture and I constantly have to be careful not to look at my thighs. If it’s not the size that bothers me than it’s the lack of firmness and I am so incredibly friggin' tired of doing this to myself. So how do I stop?

Now I am either thrilled with how I look and focused on how thin I am or I am frustrated with how I look and focused on how ‘big’ I am. I wonder what is in-between? What is it that keeps me focused on the size of my thighs one way or another? What is it I am trying to avoid SO much that I would rather torture myself with meaningless things and fractions of an inch?

This is an interesting post I read from a recovering anorexic who was kind enough to share part of her diary. I can relate to just about everything she wrote.

On a more positive note - I still love my new job!