random thoughts

A few months ago I took a break from reading Strong Women, Soft Hearts. Two weeks ago I was telling Bob that for the first time I accepted that my health might not impove. That things might stay the way they are and that I am ok with it. Not in the sense of giving up. I will continue to do what ever I can do get better, but I am more calm about it.

Yesterday I felt like I needed to start reading Strong Women, Soft Hearts again. I was on chapter six - "Trust: The Art of Falling Backward". How appropriate! I felt like it was a God thing that I was drawn back to this book. In this chapter the author, Paula Rinehart, talks about the difficulty if trusting in general. And more specificlly, trusting God in times of struggle and when we think we don't hear from him. She writes "You will only know you are there when you feel a little at the edge of your chair - and yet strangely at peace". And a few paragraphs later, "Desire is still present, but there is an internal letting go of the focus of our attachments - a surrendor of the particular means of trying to make our agendas happen". That's what I was trying to convey to Bob. I don't like what's happening and I will do what I can to be healthy, but it's just not as upsetting as it used to be. There is no anxiety attached to what might happen in the future.

I can only assume -and hope- that this is an indication of greater things to come. I hope that God is doing something amazing in me right now but He is doing it in HIS time. And that's the difficult part. I stopped praying for patience!

This morning I was thinking about how obsessed I am with the size of my thighs and how I wish I had lived my life differently. I was wondering how I would handle having a daughter. In my desire for her to have a different/better life, would I be controlling, trying to make her do things *I* wish I had done? Would I be able to let go of my obsession with my body or would she pick up on it and end up with an eating disorder?

I am not sure why I was even thinking about this since it's very unlikely that we will ever have a daughter...or a son. I still struggle with the fact that Bob and I cannot have children naturally. My immediate next thought is that I am too selfish to have children. I look at Judah and how beautiful she is (inside and out). I saw Judah when she was about 3 months old and the next time I saw her she was a little over a year old. She had developed from this helpless and completely dependent little bundle into a little person. Not that this is unusual for a child, but it's still pretty incredible. So I see mothers with their daughters of varying ages and I want that. I want to be a Mom, but I don't to give up certain freedoms. I would want to be a stay-home Mom, but I don't want to give up my income. I would still want to be able to go to work out 6 days a week and lounge by the pool when it's nice. I am obviously not ready for children yet it makes me sad that I cannot have any.

Sometimes I still question if that hysterectomy was really necessary. Was it really God's will? At the time I thought so but now I am not sure. I am definitely happy that I don't have to endure excruciating pain anymore five days out of every month, but maybe it would have gotten better if I had held out a little longer. Maybe it would have gotten better after pregnency? It certainly serves no purpose to ponder it now though!