Last Saturday I felt great. The green shorts I had bought a month prior were even baggier than they were when I bought them. That always makes for a good day. Sad, I know but at least I am aware!

Later that day Bob and I went to Target. I was scrolling through the shoe aisles when I saw a young woman (ok, so she was about my age) sitting on the floor trying on shoes. Now SHE was tiny. Immediately I did not feel so good anymore and I wanted to be that thin. Her arms had great definition and her legs were really slender. I want to look like that. She didn't have that anorexic look, but was definitely thin.

I shared with Bob last night that I am envious of my friend Patty because she has a ton of new, hip clothes and continues to buy more, she is working out with a personal trainer, she has lost weight, the training with the PT has made her legs look better, she is healthy, she can eat any food (no food allergies), and she only has to work part-time or not at all if that's what she wants. I know it's wrong to be envious but how do stop being envious? And it's not that I don't want her to have all those things, it's just that I wish I could have them, too. Not that that makes it ok!

Bob said it's a shame that both of us are trying to fill a void with trying to be thinner or leaner, etc. Am I really trying to fill a void or could it be that I simply want smooth, firm skin again on my legs like I had 3 1/2 years ago? Is it really wrong to have a desire to see the results of hard work outs and a clean diet? I mean what's the point in eating healthy and exercising consistently if I don't see any changes? I know, my body is God’s temple and I should take good care of it (1 Corinthians 3:16) but what Christian does? It is one of my biggest pet peeves that in any Christian circles I have been in, some of the unhealthiest food has been served. And what bugs me even more is that nobody seems to care or even WANT to make an attempt to eat healthy. Someone said to me that food is the Christian’s last drug! So aren’t we all trying to fill a void with something other than God?

Sometimes when I look at myself I can see how thin I am. Having said that I wonder if anybody reading this will think, 'where the hell does she get the idea that she is thin?'. However, most of the time I see someone relatively slender with elephant legs and flabby arms. Even if that is true, I still don't know why it matters. My therapist thinks it is linked to something that happened in my childhood.

There is a man in my life that may have something to do with it. I really don't have any childhood memories to speak of, but about 4 years ago I started to have vague memories about this man. It was a very inappropriate situation and I could basically hear him saying, 'Das ist unser Geheimnis', which means 'this is our secret'. I tried to explore it for a while but mostly ended up in a dark place with absolutely no recollection of the past at all. It was pretty frustrating and I came to the conclusion that either there is nothing there or I am not ready to deal with it yet.

I do wonder if it is linked to my body image issues. When did the size of my legs become important? Can't remember that either. Maybe it's just a way to keep the focus off the real issue...what ever that may be. How many times have I blogged about this?

As I am chelating and getting the metals out of my body I find myself having more awareness. I am also not depressed anymore and I can think more clearly and focus. My lab results have been good in the last 2 or 3 months and I am finally feeling better. Haven't had a backache in about 2 1/2 months. It's a nice change from having one every single day. Other symptoms have gone away also like daily headaches, pain and stiffness in my left hip, PMS (2 months in a row), and more. The worst was excessive sweating and BO. It got so bad that I always had anti-perspirant with me. Several times throughout the day (at work) I would go to the bathroom, wash my underams, and re-apply anti-perspirant. Then it just stopped - SO glad it did. I am starting to feel like myself again - what a blessing!

The latest food allergy test results sucked but oh well. I guess I have to be strict a little while longer. If it were up to me I would be done with all of it NOW, but then God's timing is always best. That's a tough one for me to accept. Mostly I feel sorry for Bob. Our lives could be so much different - better - if it weren't for all my health issues. He is so patient and for the most part I don't know how he puts up with it. It produces a constant flow of guilt for me.

Looks like Mom will not be coming to visit this year. That was disappointing but she might come visit next January or February instead. Something to look forward to...

It seems when ever things are going great –my health is improving, I am free of pain or discomfort for several consecutive days or even weeks, I feel confident at work, I feel good about my body, etc.- something happens to set me back slightly. Maybe it’s because I pray less, read the bible less, and feel totally disconnected from God when things are going ‘good’. Maybe it’s his way of holding on to me even if just by a bare thread.

I want God to be first and foremost in my life. I want to place Him above and beyond every body and everything in my life. I want to love Him and trust Him with complete abandon. I want to feel His love, know His will for me, and follow His lead. Yet I find myself drifting further and further away from Him.

Work is awesome! I'm busy, I love what I do, I like the people I work with, and my supervisor actually knows how to supervise. It's a pleasant change. I also found out this morning that the permanent position is still in the budget which is comforting.

I normally share an office with another programmer - Lee - but he is on vacation this week. It's nice to have the office all to myself. I told Bert, my supervisor, if I had an office with a window it would be perfect.

Now I just hope to build some strong relationships with my co-workers. Bert had a big Memorial Day party for all of us out at his place at Medina Lake. It was awesome and a great chance to get to know people better on a personal level. I need to start praying about this - I need to start praying more period!

My health seems to keep improving also albeit slow. I never did have a lot of patience especially when it comes to myself.

My little baby boy - Mojo - is afraid of thunderstorms! No wait, he is TERRIFIED of thunderstorms. I raised a big whuss!

Last night we woke up around 2:30 AM due to Mojo frantically pacing back and forth and panting heavily. He then jumped on the bed, snuggled up against Bob, then me, then he placed himself on top of me, back off the bed, sitting next to me ON the bed with his big ole face over mine and still panting. This went on until about 5:30 AM at which point I gave up and got out of bed.

I talked to our vet this morning and they prescribed a mild sedative (not sure if it's for us or Mojo!). Hopefully we won't have to go through this again.

Mojo is probably taking a nap right now while I am wishing I could do the same. Me so schleepy!!!

I hate PMS! I finally realized that's what all my emotional crap was about. The insanity with my thighs, the loneliness, the backaches, low energy, water retention, and abdominal distention. I hate it all and I am so fucking tired of it.

Besides all the physical changes, I just get so depressed and gloomy. I try to tell myself that it's just PMS, that it's just water retention, and I pray, but I just can't seem to pop out of that depressed mood. I could tell myself positive things all day long and it wouldn't do any good. It's like all my joy, happiness, laughter, fun, and such is locked up in a box and I don't have the key or the tools to get into it. Then when it's over I tell myself that if there is a next time I will not let it affect me that way. That never works!

This one was worse than the last one. My back hurt 24/7, Advil did not help so I stopped taking it, and it lasted longer. Dr. Bellonzi assured me that it's due the new chelation he is using (DMPS) and the fact that it is drawing more of the mercury out. He also assured me that one day all this will be over and I will have a normal life again. I hope it's soon.

Yesterday was my boss' Memorial Day party out at Medina Lake. I really wanted to water ski since I had never had the oppportunity before, but since my stomach was so swollen that I looked like I was pregnant, I opted not to. I know it seems shallow but I'm just not there yet. When my body changes so drastically from one day to the next I just want to cry and hide. At least I went out there and ended up having a good time. In the past I would have stayed home.

Today I felt a little better. My stomach is back to normal and my back only hurt when I was ironing clothes and working in the yard. I still feel kind of gloomy and I had a lot of anger today (couldn't get the lawn mower started which made me throw things and start cussing). My legs still seem swollen which raises fear that I DID gain weight and it's not just water retention. I just want to let go and I don't know how.

I wonder how other women feel about their bodies. Do they have body image issues? Do they feel self-conscious in a bathing suit or in shorts? Are Christian women different from non-Christian women in regard to body image?

Solitude

I took Bob to the airport this morning. I knew I would miss him while he is gone but at the same time I was looking forward to staying home more, not going out to eat, and maybe using my new sewing machine. After I got back from the airport I went back to sleep. When I woke up I had some tea in bed, read, and watched TV. Now I am wandering around the house almost feeling lonely. I miss Bob already.

It's weird, I always feel like I don't have enough time for myself because of our busy schedules and now that I have all this time I don't know what to do with it. My friend Beckie wants to go see a movie tonight after 5 PM some time or next weekend and I can't even decide what I want. I figure going to see a movie will get me out of the house during the most difficult time of the day for me - evening. At the same time I really like being home in the evening.

All this made me think of my Mom. She is alone all the time. I wish she would move here and meet a man she can have a relationship with. It makes me sad to think that she will spend the rest of her life by herself. And I would love to be able to spend more time with my Mom also. The older I get the harder it is to be so far away from her.